Since September I have been privileged enough to be part of a course called Training For Supernatural Minitries (TSM). This is a course ran by a team from the King's Arms Church in Bedford which helps reaffirm our call from God, maximize our spiritual gifting and to see heaven on earth displayed through healing on the streets and revelations of God's amazing love for people and His children.
Let's get one thing straight. Having been a Christian since the age of five and raised in an amazing church with strong apostolic teaching, I thought I knew most things about myself and what God wanted from me. I thought that other than developing in areas of prophecy and healing, my spiritual gifts were pretty good and it didn't matter too much that I was still carrying stuff from my past, thinking that if I didn't expose it, know-one would know and everything was just fine.
Within the space of a month of starting TSM I became acutely aware that God was wanting more from me and there were things that I thought were fine but were actually massive weights around me. I had been blaming past actions in terms of temptation and old sexual relationships for robbing me of who I really was but had carried on squaring the blame on pictures I'd seen and ex-partners. I had not realized that all this time the blame landed with me. I was the one who had given in to temptation and I was the one who could've been more responsible for my actions.
It was as this landed in my spirit I was able to cry out from within and ask God to deliver me from this guilt and to be forgiven for taking this out on others when it was my fault. When I did this, the only way I can describe the feeling is to say it felt like God removed the cookies from my mind that had stored these thoughts for so long. At last, I was free from guilt and shame. Amazing times.
From that moment God then began to restore parts of my mind and spirit that had been dormant for ages and I started to receive revelation of who I was in Him. I began to realize that I was a SON on God. I was His beloved boy who'd been hurt by the lies of the enemy and I didn't have to live that way any longer. I'm not saying I won't make mistakes any more but what I am saying is that as soon as I realized my son-ship I then knew that my old life had in fact been crucified on the cross and forgotten forever! What was I worrying about for all that time? Freedom had been restored to me in one afternoon and I know I'll never be the same.
Now that I'd had my eureka moment, it was then a case of breathing in all that God had for me. At the time I wrote down these notes from a preach I heard on Identity by my amazing course tutor:
'The God of the Universe really rates me!'
'We are not sinners who are sometimes saints. We are saints who sometimes sin! We are royal, chosen and the beloved of God. People who don't know Him are blessed by us being around them. We are princes and princesses of God!'
'Performance and comparing myself to others is just annoying. God didn't make a mistake when He made me. I must not look at others in high responsibility and think I wish I was like them - God made me like me! I AM His treasured possession!'
'The enemy's lie is our value and performance is wrapped up in our identity. Wrong. Our identity is dictated by how Jesus performed! I have value I can do all I am called to do.'
'MY IDENTITY IN JESUS DOES NOT CHANGE WHEN I SCREW UP!'
'God is thoroughly over the top in loving me, even when I am going the wrong way.'
'Pride speaks royalty based on achievement. God makes us royal because of what Jesus did.'
To me this was the moment. After 32 years of being a Christian I was now beginning to understand what God's heart was for me and that He was wanting a new authentic me. If I, through my testimony, can tell what God has really done then this will help people struggling with things in their own lives. Such an amazing time.
However, there were other things going on that were affecting my time at TSM. Because I was now trying to work a three day week in order to accommodate this course, my earnings were down pretty dramatically. We had always felt as a couple that our regular gift to God should not be touched and so even through times of barren earnings, we have still given outrageously. The fruit of this was our bills account was still operating normally but if you looked at what was coming into this account, it should never have worked out. But it did and praise God for all His provision.
The trouble was, in my attempts to protect the bills account I had not been protecting my spending on a credit card and things had started to get quite bad. Not only that, we'd only paid for TSM up to Christmas and it was now time for the next installment and I didn't know how on earth we'd get it. I thought of all different ways of covering this debt but what God was asking me to do was be honest and tell my incredibly patient wife what the deal was.
I obeyed God and things were understandably hard for a few days while we tried to assess the problem. I also knew God wanted more from me so I set aside time to pray about what He wanted me to do. God very quickly revealed that His heart was for me to honor my wife and children by laying down TSM and serving them. He reminded me if I ever wanted to lead others, then I needed to lead my family first.
After a chat with my course tutor I knew that God had spoken and so last Friday I shared this testimony with all of my TSM family as a way of them understanding why I was leaving. It was one of those moments I knew God was pleased with my obedience but I also understood that it was now time for action, responsibility and commitment to my wife and children.
This next season is one I believe God has lead us into for a reason and we are ready for all He has for us. I know that in past times when things have seemed hard God has always shined through and we have seen amazing things happen in our lives which demonstrate His never ending favor. I feel that God is wanting my wife and I to be ready for new adventures and actually this is a time for both of us to be serving and committing ourselves to our local church more than ever.
I am very excited about the future and praise God that I had the chance to be part of an amazing course and to get my life into perspective. God is just amazing and I am so grateful that He loves me. I hope this has also encouraged you.