It's been around two years and nine months since I last posted a blog on here. My last post was about my Mum who had passed away on October 1st 2019, a date etched into my brain. Since then I've been on probably the hardest journey I can remember, but I wanted to share with you my experiences of grief in the hope this blog may help someone out there, going through their own journey of grief. Believe me, it's different for everyone.
When Mum passed away I was in Australia and for whatever reason my bosses at work at the time said I didn't have enough leave (as I was on my six-month probation) to go back to the UK (yeah, I know, right) and my Dad said that I would be able to watch the ceremony via Zoom or FaceTime. But due to technical issues I missed Mum's funeral altogether! I managed to get my friend to hook up a laptop at the gathering afterwards, but I had missed the actual ceremony. I was finally able to hear it via a recording someone had made on their phone. To say I was devestated is an understatement, and this became such a heavy rock that I began to carry in my heart.
From that moment on I felt so angry. Angry at my employer for not having any sympathy, angry at technical gremlins that stopped me seeing the ceremony and angry at God because I was convinced that Mum would make it through. I then began to spiral internally and although it was a slow process, it got to the point where I didn't really know what to do. I had counselling sessions, I spoke to people, I tried to read books on grief, I tried to find peace in my working (so I could block out the pain) and tried to get on with life but it was very tough.
It was clear that because I'd pushed everything so far down to try and forget about it, it became part of me and whatever I did was tainted by this heavy feeling of total helplessness - I was never going to get over missing the funeral or not being there with the rest of my family to grieve together.
Adding to this huge battle COVID happened and in a sudden move by the Australian government, the international borders were shut and travel outside of Australia was halted. Even if I wanted to get back home, I couldn't. I was now literally living in a nightmare. Yes, Australia is beautiful and yes, my wife and kids are here with me as well as friends, but that didn't help the feeling of isolation and seperation that then also began to form heavy rocks in my soul. I was feeling like I was totally overwhelmed.
I stuck at my job for another 20 months but the stress of the job and the sense of grief I was still experiencing was too much. I needed a change. I was also taking out my frustrations on work colleagues which was not fair on them but they could not understand why I was becoming so angry as they couldn't relate to my scenario. So I then started looking for other work to see if a fresh change would help. Around about this same time, we also decided to sell our house and move to a beautiful new home - not really the wisest of decisions given the stress that can come from moving home, but we needed to.
As well as missing mum's funeral, not being happy at work and feeling trapped because of COVID, our old house was in a flood zone and guess what, we had two unbelievable wet winters and water levels were so bad, my daughters converted appartment in the garage got flooded four times. It was horrible. There was no way we could stay living there and so we managed to renovate and sell right in the middle of a global pandemic! Yes, we got an amazing price for our old house but again, this level of stress took its toll on me and now, after everything I was at rock bottom.
I got a new job, which did not work out the way I was hoping it would and after six months I simply could not function any more. I made the decision to quit my job and I had also felt God say that I would need to take four months off any work to sort myself out. FOUR MONTHS? Sounds like madness. But because God said it, I did it.
During my time off I've tried to rest but life is life and I seemed to feel just as busy as I was when I was working. But at the start of the year we had finally been able to book flights to the UK so at least I had this in my mind as kind of a goal to aim for and focus on if I got overwhelmed. My sister had also been able to fly over here which was also a very precious time and helped a bit. I also managed to secure a new job for when I return from the UK which is amazing and I'm very grateful for that. But four weeks ago, something momumental happended to me, and this has changed me from the inside out, and I wanted to share this with you.
I took my daughter to an art class and my wife had said it might be good for me to get alone with God and have it out with Him (He's a big God so can handel my grumpiness for sure). I didn't want to do this at all. You see, for me, part of the pain of grief was in some strange way still keeping my Mum alive in my heart, because I just couldn't let go or face the reality that Mum had died. So to "have it out with God" meant that I would need to admit that I wanted to let go of the pain and in turn, let go of Mum. SO HARD! Also, I've mentioned a few times the rocks I was starting to form in my heart. When I looked back on my life over the last 46 years I had realised that I had formed SO many rocks and there were plenty of unresolved disappointments. These disappointments were totally skewing my thoughts about so many things, including the grief. As always, my wife was right. I REALLY did need to sort myself out.
After dropping my daughter off. I made the decision to face my fears and I drove down a narrow track and parked up. I made sure I was in the middle of nowhere (very easy to do in Australia) because there was definitly going to be some shouting going on, and I didn't want anyone else to hear it. I found a track and walked along it for a minute or two and I noticed I was walking alond quite a rocky path and there were loose rocks everywhere. I felt God say "pick the rocks up and throw them when you've name each disappointment" so I did.
Grabbing as many as I could fit in one hand, I stood up and picked up the first rock. I looked at it and said, "right rock, you are the disappointment of my job where I couldn't get back home..." and I continued to tell this rock how I felt and once I had felt I'd said enough, I then asked God where He was in that season, He said very gently "I was there with you," and I so I threw the rock. There was an instant feeling of relief. So I followed this process with the rest of them, but it became obvious there was a rock still in my hand that was much bigger than the others. I knew this was my Mum.
When I got to this last rock I picked it up and froze. I couldn't find any words. When I did try to speak, I was overwhelmed with anger and gut-wrenching anguish. I shouted, "If I throw this rock I am saying goodbye and that's something I don't want to do." Immediately I felt God whisper, "I'll help you, I'm here with you." So gradually I managed to articulate my thoughts and with one huge cry from my soul I launched this rock as hard as I could into the air. It's hard to describe what I felt but it did feel incredible. All that bottled up pain that had been in my soul for so long, came out in one breath! It was like all the weight I'd been carrying left me in one moment. WOW!!
Overjoyed I headed back to my car, and I have to say I've not felt that peaceful in quite a long time - if ever.
This could be the end of the story but I know it isn't. There is still the huge task of going to England in a few days time and this will be the first time I've been there and Mum hasn't been there with my Dad. I've no doubt that I will have plenty more processing to do but at least the beaches there have a LOT of rocks on them...
Finally, I wanted to spend some time reflecting on what I've learned about grief in all of this. It can hit you very hard, in ways you would never expect. It makes no announcement, like when you're at a station and you hear the voice of a recording saying when you should expect the train to arrive, it just turns up and smacks you in the face and there's nothing you can do to avoid it. It also comes at very odd moments, it's triggered by sounds, songs, memories and words. It makes no apologies for ruining your day. It doesn't let you off the hook. It's horrible but it's also incredibly necessary. What I've learned, is without grief, there is no reminder that you need time to reflect on what has happened. When you're hit by grief, you're given the opportunity to stop, cry, reflect and realise that you are in fact OK.
Bottling it up, pushing it down or just burying it is NOT the right thing to do but that's what I WAS doing. I thought I was good at dealing with it by saying, I'm good. But I wasn't. Dealing with it this way has not only hurt me but it's hurt those around me because when you hurt, you hurt others in the process. It's not done on purpose but if you don't recognise it, you drive a wedge between you and everyone else. It must be faced head on and it must be dealt with. So in a way, this blog is also a public apology to anyone I may have hurt along the process.
I've no doubt that in the weeks, months and years ahead I will grieve more, it's inevitable. But at least when it happens again, I'll know what to do. I can go back to that place, remember how I felt, pick up a rock, put all my hurt and pain into that rock, and hurl it into the tall grass.
I know that my journey may be very different to others as like I said at the beginning, everyone grieves differently but can I still encourage you by saying you are never alone in that place. Even if you think you are, you're not. Whether you believe in God or not is fine, but I know from my experience that He is very real and He wants to let you know that He's always there to help when noone else can. Even that in itself is a huge comfort.
I really hope this story has helped and encouraged you today.
Blessings,
Adam
